Oh, I am wrestling with God today. I don’t understand. I never will.
Ever since I found out about the condition of a former friend and teammate, my heart has been broken. I have felt physically sick. I can’t get her off my mind.
And, God is okay with me wrestling with Him. For he knows that is what will bring me into deeper fellowship with Him.
“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans 8:26
But, right now, today, my heart is broken.
I know she is a fighter and she will fight this tooth and nail. I recall a Saturday morning basketball practice when Allison was a senior and I was a junior. She dislocated her thumb. It looked awful. Imagine your thumb standing up on the backside of your hand. She was able to endure the pain of our trainer putting her thumb back in place. Oh, my word. I will never forget it.
And I have not forgotten about her recently. Not an hour has ticked by since I saw the Facebook status that broke my fearful heart that I haven’t prayed for her. I don’t know what to pray. I give her to the Lord and ask for His omniscient will be done. I know what I desire ~ complete and supernatural healing.
She is a fighter and she is being fought for. He loves her. I think about her precious family. Her three sweet boys. Her loving husband. Her mom, dad, and brother. Her co-workers. Her speech clients. My son is in love with his speech therapist. I know her clients feel the same way about her.
She is loved. Her Facebook wall is a tapestry of love and prayers from those who are fighting with her.
But my weak and wrestling flesh still wants to know why. Why her?
In my internal struggle, I am also wrestling with what I know to be true: ALL that we are given, whether we perceive it to be good or bad…is only good. I know that it is not in God’s character to give us bad things. I know He allows these things to happen in His sovereign will. I know I can trust Him because He has proven Himself to be trustworthy! But it is hard to walk in this minute by minute. I have to depend on Him.
Please don’t misunderstand my heart. I am fighting to believe this myself.
Cancer is a VERY bad thing. But, God is VERY big and He is bigger than anything that ever happens to any of us. I can’t see the end. He can. I can’t see through to the other side. He can. He is using and will continue to allow Allison’s life and faith to be a lighthouse, a beacon of hope to a lost and dying world.
Please join me in praying for Allison and her family. She is an amazing woman. I humbly bow low and thank you for lifting her to Him.
God, help me trust you. I am trying. I am trying to believe. Deeper still. Lord, I am choosing to place Allison and her family in your capable hands. Protect her. Love her well, Lord. Let her know and experience peace and joy unspeakable. And for those precious boys, her sons, grant them many more years with their mama. That is the part that tears me apart, Lord. I confess my inadequacy and fear to you. I choose to trust you, Jehovah Raphe, in this today.